No
by Foxy-Badger
Summary: Remus is thinking back on how he and Tonks started dating and he's forced to make a decision he doesn't want to make.


**Title:** No  
**Author:** Moonshape  
**Fandom:** Harry Potter, (HBP book cannon)  
**Pairing:** Remus/Tonks  
**Rating:** PG-13/K+  
**Word count:** 2418  
**Type of Fic:** one-shot  
**Spoilers:** Spoilers for HBP and DH?  
**Summary:** Remus is thinking back on how he and Tonks started dating and he's forced to make a decision he doesn't want to make.  
**Disclaimer:** Story is mine. Harry Potter and its characters belongs to JKR. Movie materials to WB. No profit made. Just for fun.

* * *

Remus Lupin was laying in bed on his back, covered in sweat. He wasn't alone. Next to him, lay a beautiful, young woman with bright bubblegum pink hair. His love. Nymphadora Tonks. His Dora.

She was laying on her stomach, fast asleep They were both naked, the sheets only covering their lower body parts. The night had been long and romantic, and after making love to each other, Dora had fallen asleep, but Remus hadn't . It didn't mean he was full of energy; he was exhausted. But he didn't want to miss the opportunity to watch her sleep. She had a sort of beauty, that kept amazing him. She was young. Beautiful. Perfect. And she was his. Remus couldn't believe how lucky he was. A girl with her beauty, who wanted to be with him. It couldn't get any better.

Remus could never have imagined this. After those years of being lonely, he had expected he would never settled with someone. He would be alone. Forever.

But now, he had found someone, and someone had found him. This was already lasting for a few weeks, longer than Remus could ever have imagined. But Dora was different. He had never met a woman like her. She accepted him. She knew what he was, and she accepted it. She didn't care whether he was dangerous, poor or old. She still wanted to be with him. Remus first hadn't wanted this; he was afraid he would hurt her, like his curse hurt him. So many things could go wrong, but still she didn't care. Remus had given up, and they had been together ever since.

The thing that had kept them together had not only been the love for each other. It had been comfort. And that was how it had all started. Comfort.

_St. Mungo's, summer of 1995 – one year ago. _

Remus was walking through the corridors of St. Mungo's. He was looking pale and tired. And that was not because of the full moon. He had entered the ward and soon found the person he had been looking for; Nymphadora was sitting on her bed, reading a letter she had probably received from home. When the door had opened, she had looked up. A faint smile appeared on her face.

'Hello, Remus,' she had said, and Remus had only faintly smiled back.

'How are you?' he had asked as he stood next to the bed she was sitting on.

'I'm alright,' she said and placed the letter on her night desk. 'I can go home at noon tomorrow.'

Remus had forced to smile. 'That's good' he had said, a lump forming in his throat and causing his mouth to get dry in seconds.

He knew he had to tell her. She didn't know yet - she was probably one of the last persons of the Order who didn't. But she had to know. Remus had volunteered to tell her, but now he regretted he had suggested it to Albus.

He had sat down on Nymphadora's bedside.

'Nymphadora,' he began 'I-' but he was interrupted by her.

'Please Remus,' she said with pleading eyes.

'Tonks, listen,' he corrected himself.

_Merlin-_

_Just forget the name-_

'I-I'm here to tell you-'

_I can't -_

_I can't tell her -_

'Here to tell me what?' Nymphadora had said, tilting her head a bit. She probably had no idea what had happened after she got hit by that stunning spell.

'It-' Remus said and he felt his nose sting. 'It's -Sirius.'

As he had tried to speak, he didn't look at her. He was afraid to see her reacting. He himself had been on the verge of bursting, and he knew it would be hard for her as well. She had been his cousin and she had duelled Bellatrix before she got knocked out. Sirius had taken over from there, which had lead to his death.

He had been hoping she would understand it, but just mentioning his name, but probably she didn't. He looked up at her, seeing she was still looking at him, slightly confused.

'What's wrong with Sirius?' she asked.

Remus sighted for a moment.

_She didn't read the Prophet yet-_

'He - He's dead' he said

He had seen of what he had been afraid; her reaction. He saw how her face became expressionless at the first, but then she hung her head and Remus could see tears making their way down her face. She began so tremble slightly.

_Oh God-_

She had covered her eyes with her hands and started to cry. Remus couldn't help it, but also let a few tears escape from his eyes.

He had brought up his hand and placed it on her shoulder. She leaned in and buried her face against his shoulder, sobbing.

The next weeks, Remus had visited her very often. He couldn't help but feel sorry for her. She felt guilty. She thought Sirius' death had been her fault. Remus knew that wasn't true – she couldn't have foreseen it.

Over the weeks, she changed. From one day to the other, her hair went mousy brown, and Remus supposed it was her own hair colour. When he had asked her why her hair wasn't the usual pink, she had only smiled faintly and muttered something about - 'not being in the mood' -.

Remus had no idea why her hair had changed. She had been right about her mood being 'different'. But he hardly recognized her. The cheerful, happy, spontaneous, young lady, had turned into a shy, quiet and almost depressed young woman and he had no idea why. He himself was shocked too about Sirius' death, but he didn't really understood why she took it that personal. It wasn't like he didn't want her to grieve, but Sirius had been in Azkaban half her life, so she hardly knew him.

But Remus didn't blame her of course. If she wanted to grieve, he would be there to comfort her.

But if it hadn't been for Molly, it would have taken Remus a lot longer to figure out what was exactly going on inside Nymphadora's head. Remus knew Nymphadora talked a lot with Mrs. Weasley as well, but he never knew about what. He respected Nymphadora's choice of who she trusted most, as she had become a friend of him. He cared deeply for her, but it took him some time to realize he cared more for her than in a normal friendship.

And when Molly took him into the kitchen of the Burrow and told him why Nymphadora had been visiting her, he almost dropped the plates he had been holding. He hadn't believed her at first, but it did explain why Nymphadora still wasn't over Sirius' death. She wasn't grieving. She was in love – with him.

He had refused contact at first, and he regretted that now. He had pushed her away and it had hurt her even more. He was afraid. He knew he could hurt her with his curse and he didn't want her to get harmed. Appart from Molly, she was the only female friend he had right now and he tried to keep a watchful eye on her. Knowing he could be the one who could hurt her the most frightened him.

And he was a lot older than her! Thirteen years didn't seem much but for Remus it was. He had been through a lot already and he often didn't even feel as if he was thirty-five – his body made him look at least ten years older! She could not be appealed to that, could she?

And he was poor. He struggled to get himself to a meal every day, barely able to pay the rent of his rooms in Croydon – which was not a very charming district to live in. He would never be able to support her, as his was always looking for a job or working as much when he was allowed.

So he told her she couldn't love him.

He had hoped she would understand and accept it. He had told her she was a fine young lady and that she was still young enough to find someone else to love. But she wouldn't accept it. She wanted him, and Remus couldn't understand why. He had nothing to offer for her, but she didn't seem to understand that.

For months they both argued, pleaded, and tried to convince each other about their opinion, but in the end, Remus had to give in.

_Hogwarts, summer of 1996 – Dumbledore's death._

Remus held the door open for her, slightly annoyed Nymphadora had to make him look like a fool in public. He knew it had been a desperate gesture and he pitied her for not giving up on him. It was time they had to talk – again.

They both had left the Hospital wing and silently walked through the corridors of the ancient castle. It had only been three years ago since he had taught at Hogwarts, he still knew his way around very well – he had to thank the Marauder's for that.

When they reached the nearest classroom, Remus opened the door for her again. He closed the door behind him and paced over to the window, pocketing his hands.

'Give us a chance, Remus!' Tonks pleaded behind him.

'I wish I could, Nymphadora,' Remus sighed quietly as he stared through the windows. 'But I see no future in us.'

'Don't think like that,' she said again, her voice sounding more pleading than ever. 'How could you know it will?'

'My relations have never been really – stable,' Remus admitted shamefully.

'Then try again.'

'I'm not sure if I should, Nymphadora.'

'Give it a chance, Remus,' she repeated and stepped next to him, her hand on her arm. 'Give _me_ a chance. Give _us_ a chance.'

Remus had looked at her for a long time, but he had shaken his head.

'It's too risky.'

'We can make sure it will be safe, Remus,' she said as she had squeezed his arm gently. 'We can do this!'

But Remus shook his head.

'I wish I could, Nymphadora – I really do.'

'Then why don't you try?'

'I don't want to hurt you.'

'You already are.'

Her words felt like she had stabbed him in the gut. He didn't want to hurt her – really not. But he knew he would hurt her more once they grew too attached to each other. This had to be prevented.

'Believe me,' he said, his voice more firm than before. 'It's for the best.'

'It's not, Remus,' she shook her head. 'There's a war out there – we can't just not ignore our love for each other. Yes, I know you do, Remus!' she added sharply because he had frowned at her.

Yes, he loved her, but that love made him not want to hurt her. This would be the best.

'Things will only get worse for our future now, Nymphadora,' he had tried. 'Albus dead – there will be no stopping of Voldemort now.'

'But don't you think Molly was right?' she had asked. 'This world needs love – love, Remus! Of all the things in the world, Albus believed the most in love!'

And that was when Remus had given in.

And he was glad he had. He would never had laid next to her right now if it hadn't been for those words. The world needed love, and he had finally come to realize, that he did as well. And so did she.

She steered, and Remus watched her how she slowly started to wake up. She had been sleeping for only an hour. It was still midnight so she shouldn't be awake – but she was.

'Can't sleep?' she asked, her voice dry and croaking.

'No – but that's okay,' he said, reaching up to strong her cheek with his fingers. 'I could watch you all night.'

'You need to sleep,' she said with closed eyes as she turned onto her side. 'It's full moon in five days.'

'I know,' Remus said, sighing faintly as she mentioned the terror of his life. He knew best of all how many days he had left.

She shifted closer, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as she held him close, his head resting on her shoulder and breast. Their bodies were sweaty and stuck to each other like glue. The position might be too warm but it was still a rather comfortable one.

She gently kissed his forehead and ran her fingers through her hair.

The lay silently for minutes and Remus had almost dozed off when Tonks spoke again:

'There's something I want to ask you, Remus.'

'Hmph?' Remus groaned, almost unable to stay awake for my longer.

'How long do you think the war will last?'

'Dunno -'

'We might die.'

'We might not.'

'We can't be sure.'

Even though he was close to dozing off, his mind was fully alert of what was going on. They both feared the war and their future. They might not even have a future!

'Will you marry me?' she suddenly asked softly.

Remus pulled his head up with a shock, which almost made his neck crack. He stared at her, his eyes wide and terrified. He had been dozing off a minute ago but he was fully awake now. He could hardly believe the woman he loved was asking him to marry!

But he didn't – he couldn't! Marriage would mean they were bond for life! And they weren't even sure if they would have a life if this war would go on for years! They might die!

And she! Being married would mean she wouldn't easily be able to leave him. Remus still often saw a chance that she could leave him for someone else – someone younger and better! But if she married him that wouldn't be possible!

He couldn't. He had to say no! If he didn't, he would be tied to this woman for the rest of his life, and he was sure it wouldn't do her any good. He had to say it!

He stared into her eyes, which looked hopefull and afraid at the same time. He couldn't say no to her, could he? He would hurt her even more than he'd already done – while he had promised her he wouldn't anymore. He would lose her forever if he broke that promise.

So he spoke the only word which he could bare to speak right now:

'Yes.'


End file.
